I have something to confess…

This is no longer a confessions blog. I really tried to stay with it, but let’s be honest, I really am not the adventurous, outgoing type. And because of this, I have not taken enough chances or made many bold steps in order to confess anything. I also have not really done anything bad (although I have called people some not-so-nice names–but who doesn’t).

Anyway, I wanted to talk about senioritis. I have a really bad case. In school, we’re finally coming up on the exams, and because our teachers are so awesome, most of our exams are projects. You would think that this is awesome, but actually, it’s quite the opposite. You see, with a project, you have to put in a lot of work. There’re research involved, paper-writing, and presentation-giving. That’s a lot when that’s our final exam for about five classes. However, I know it’s going to be okay because I’m writing this right now, so this case of senioritis isn’t deadly yet. It’s just really inconvenient. There’s nothing more that I’d love to do than watch tv right now…or sleep. But I’m just so anxious about these final exam projects.

For BIO, there are three options. Originally, we had to either do the first option (quite a lot of work) or both of the other ones (when combined, even more work). However, this has recently changed. Our professor said that we could just choose one of the three options instead of choosing one over choosing two. Here’s the catch. I already finished half of my project because I’m just SO STRESSED OUT! So now, instead of doing a fairly simple project, I have to finish my complicated one because it would be more work for me if I switched topics now. Everyone says that there are no downsides to being productive and getting a head start on your work, but here I am… downsiding.

My English Lit final exam is a group project, and because we have so many other things to work on, I haven’t really made a dent into it yet with my partner.

There is still one last assignment in EDU (seems kind of pointless to me because we already did our final exam), and I finished my Creative Writing Exam; I just need to print it off and turn it in.

You may be looking at this and think, “She’s already got most of it done! What’s the big deal?”

I’ll tell you. In the mind of someone with anxiety or who is overwhelmed, everything on their plate has 100% impact on their brain. Right now I’m thinking, “Oh my god I have to turn in my EDU 212 exam ASAP so I can worry about something else. I have to do research on Thomas Hardy but before I do that I should talk to my partner. I have to print off this one thing but my brain space is so full I can’t remember what it was. I have to complete this scholarship application and mail it in by TODAY.”

Even though I finished my ENG 212 exam, and all I have to do is print it off, it still takes up the same amount of space as my BIO exam because IT’S NOT FINISHED YET AND I NEED TO FINISH IT!

I feel like my writing in general is slacking in my papers. I hate my writing so much right now that I literally want to toss those 3.5 pages in the recycling bin (let’s save the earth y’all) and do more work because I’ll be proud of it more. BUT I DON’T WANT TO! I keep on thinking that my teachers are going to silently judge me and see my lack of motivation with every assignment that’s left.

I do have one final confession. I really hate senioritis.

As seniors, we are on the way out of high school. There is barely more than a month left of high school for me and my classmates… I wish I could travel to the future. Senioritis has never been more of a thing. I want nothing more than for it to be the summer already. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of doing all this work. It literally has no purpose. Stress management is stupid. I already have a therapist. What more does he want from me? And my government class is so tedious. Yes, it is sort of interesting, but I don’t need a teacher for that. It’s an online class anyway, so I barely have one. All she needs to do is tell me to research some government-related things. I learned more things yesterday by researching the Republican and Democratic platforms than I have the whole year. That’s all I need to know… What political party do I agree with more? Everything else is irrelevant to me.

Perhaps the only thing I will miss when I graduate is band. This week is boot camp for marching band. This is when middle-schoolers come up to the high school and we teach them how to march. Yesterday was our first day, and it was so fun (besides someone I really don’t like being really annoying). I was excited the whole time! But then it really sank in that it was almost my last time marching with them (besides the summer band camp that I want to go this summer – it’s totally optional). And, my band director announced the theme for next year’s show, and it’s 80’s Rock! I can’t believe I’m missing it! Not only am I missing this, but I’m also missing one of the blossoming percussionists play the snare drum for this upcoming season. He is going places. Also, I’m missing all of the other people who want to be in percussion, and I really wish I had one more year of band. My plan is to go to as many of the shows as I can and to go to the summer band camp as long as I can.

I really hate high school. I wish it was already over, but I really don’t want band to be over. Because of my love for marching band, I really want to join a Drum Corps International band when I’m older. But, I can’t figure out if I want to march a bass drum or if I want to be in the front ensemble. Anyway, to recap, high school sucks but band is awesome and I’m going to miss it. But, I’m taking steps in the future to make me less sad.

Hi, guys! Today, my blog will be consisting of a couple of poems I wrote for a teacher at my home school. I hope that’s okay! I think some of them are pretty good…

If

If there is one thing on earth I want more,

It is to feel like I am desired.

Romantic desire isn’t something I would ask for.

Because all I want is to feel admired.

I want someone to take an interest in me.

I want a stranger to look in my direction.

If only this happened could I finally be free

From the haunting fear of rejection.

I want to be able to look at myself and not heave a disappointed sigh.

I want to know if I’ll ever serve a purpose.

I only want to know if I’m worth someone’s time.

But, if I’ll ever believe in my beauty, I’m dubious.

Unnerved

I glance behind me, never slowing

I’m running for my life

He’s five feet away from me

Slowly inching closer

And closer

And closer

I pick up the pace to a sprint

I don’t know how long I can keep this up

Already so exhausted

People are surrounding me

But no one is helping

I’m deserted

Everyone deserted me

I’m going to die….

No, I can make it.

I glance behind me again

He isn’t there.

I turn back around, and there he is.

Knife in hand.

Knife inches from my chest.

Knife in my chest.

Knife in my heart.

Heart stops

Eyes stop

Body stops

Black

Love at First Sight

I really wish I knew

When I look into a stranger’s eyes

Green, hazel, brown, gray, or blue?

Can I see them through their disguise?

You were already smiling when I locked eyes with you

You seemed so open, so warm

There wasn’t a doubt that grew

That you’d always help someone through a storm.

I recognized this without a conversation

Because, when I looked at your face, I saw no mask

Realizing this gave me a delightful sensation

You’re honest about everything asked.

My eye contact with you lasted for one second.

A smile made its way onto my lips

And faded when I noticed that you were already taken.

Intertwined hands swinging below your hips

If only I looked somewhere different.

Maybe even just a couple inches above.

If only I wasn’t drawn to his significance.

If only I wasn’t so quick to fall in love.

After the Calm Before the Storm

Gray and black clouds filled the sky

Thunder boomed and lightning struck

Wind howled and houses shook

Leaves whirled in the air

Dogs and children whimpered with fear

To our loved ones: “Tell me when you get there.”

There was a moment of silence.

The whole earth trembled with anticipation

And we were finally graced with the precipitation.

The unforgiving stream of rain unleashed its hell on us.

At least dealing with it was better than not knowing.

We could finally accept the storm not that the rain was showing.

Brother Against Brother

“CHARGE!”

When this distant command was shouted,

My life was forever changed.

The opposing side came rushing over to our side of the field.

 “CHARGE!” Our general ordered us in return

We got closer and closer to the rivals.

We yelled as we ran to try to distract us from the fact that…

we all might meet Death very soon.

The two clustered groups started to clash

Blood was splattering everywhere

Ears were ringing from all the noise

An eternity of war already passed

When I finally came face-to-face with someone.

We both paused and my face fell.

We glared at each other for what could have been minutes

Tears stung my eyes as words fell from my lips.

“It’s you.”

My words were muffled

The best he could do was read my lips

But I had no doubt that he knew what I said.

Our reunion was cut short with a sudden realization.

The battle was the priority over family.

We were both fighting for what we believed in.

I looked my twin in the eyes as I took my sword in my hand

Tears blurred my vision as I took swing after swing.

My sword finally met with his body

He fell to the ground…

And he didn’t get back up.

It’s almost time to get out of here. SOOOOO CLOSE!

But it’s also SOOOOOO FAR!

I can’t seem to tolerate the fact that there is still a semester of school left, so how will I survive? The answer is that I won’t, at least my brain won’t because it will be overdosed on human emotions that slowly drive my mind to screaming and myself to silence.

If I had normal people in my life, it would be fine. But that isn’t the case. There are some people that won’t stop complaining and people that go behind your back. There are people that are too controlling but I don’t have the power to tell them all to stop doing these things to me.

My confession today is that I want to leave. I want to leave and only come back for the holidays for the rest of my life. Maybe visit my mom and siblings for a week or two out of the year. That is all. I can’t handle any more that that.

My best friend is starting to not be my best friend anymore, another classmate is gloating and complaining until the sun sets, and my parents are confining me in a very small box that I keep wanting to claw out of but don’t have the strength to actually do it.

All my life I have been preserving myself by staying quiet, and it’s not working anymore. I need to burst from the box, tell my mind to shut up, and finally tell everyone how I feel.

Well, I know I need to do that, but will I? Probably not. Maybe when I finally leave. Maybe when I leave, I’ll get the courage to stand up for myself.

As of right now, my only confession is that I want to leave, but hopefully I find the strength to endure this and my confession will change to wanting to stay.

Thanks for joining me!

You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting your foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.

~Tom Hiddleston

“TOP 25 QUOTES BY TOM HIDDLESTON (of 189).” A-Z Quotes, http://www.azquotes.com/author/6671-Tom_Hiddleston.

This specific blog was inspired by the movie Confessions of a Shopaholic. It took me quite a lot of thinking about what I wanted this blog to be about, but I think this is meant to be. I hope you enjoy!

Being a high school senior is challenging, and many of these difficulties lead to confessions of actions I shouldn’t be doing – but don’t worry, they’re not that bad!

My first confession is that I definitely shouldn’t have been watching hours of TV before writing this blog. But what else can I do to procrastinate? At least it’s not drugs! …Although, for me, watching TV is probably just as addicting. As I said before, school is hard, and there is only so much stress someone can handle all at once. One way to relieve that stress is by watching Vampire Diaries and Riverdale, of course.

It was definitely worth it, but I hate to admit that this happens a lot more often than one would think. A couple hours are wasted every day by watching TV. Before I started watching these shows, I was very productive – especially in the first year at governor’s school. Last year – even last semester – was filled with an endless supply of homework and group projects. And I was on top of all of my assignments, so much so, that my stepdad encouraged me to take days off to watch television or read books or exercise. And I finally did what he wanted me to, but I went overboard and now it’s hard to stop.

I am so proud of myself for actually working on this…but I probably would have watched more TV if my mom hadn’t come home.